


Chapter 34: Sugar Cum Fairies

by private_eyes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Genre: Bad Puns, British Slang, Candy, Christmas, Comedy, Crack, Crossover, Dancing and Singing, Family Issues, House Elves, I wrote a parody of my girlfriend's fanfic, Lucius Malfoy Being an Asshole, Making Out, Multi, Musical References, Narcissa Black Malfoy is a Good Parent, Out of Character, Pop Culture, a bit of JK Rowling bashing, but not used correctly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:33:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23479288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/private_eyes/pseuds/private_eyes
Summary: It’s Harry’s first Christmas with the Malfoys, and he ends up with a little more “family time” than he bargained for.  Like - where did Willy Wonka come from?Are all rich people really related??
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Willy Wonka/Original Character(s)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 16





	Chapter 34: Sugar Cum Fairies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mx_Maneater](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mx_Maneater/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The New Flight Instructor](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20419643) by [Mx_Maneater](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mx_Maneater/pseuds/Mx_Maneater). 



> So this is another parody of my girlfriend's fic, The New Flight Instructor! I wrote it before reading the actual chapter 34, so any similarities are purely coincidental (great minds think alike!!!)  
> You technically don't have to read her fic to understand this, but you totally should. 
> 
> Also, I should mention this story has some steamy wizard/house elf times, so if that's not your thing, this might not be your thing. I also - as my girlfriend puts it - "bastardized the entirety of British English and should be ashamed." But I think that's bollocks. 
> 
> t/w: some homophobic language from Lucius

Harry entered Draco’s room first, and as usual, Draco wasn’t far from his behind. The walls were covered with posters of manly British Wrestlers like Twisty Teeth Todd and Bulging Bullocks Ballanski. Almost every square inch of the room leaked testosterone - every inch except for one corner. That corner had shelves neatly arranged with an assortment of stuffed animals.  
  
Harry tried to suppress a giggle. “I didn’t realize you were into such macho stuff!”  
  
Draco sighed, “I’m not, my dad would just buy me all of this, because he feared I was too much of a ‘poof’ and needed to ‘man up.’”  
  
Harry frowned. “Wow, I mean, isn’t that a bit hypocritical? I mean, Lucius wears a bejeweled robe and arseless chaps just to stroll around town.”  
  
“Are arseless chaps not manly? He always told me that the finest wizard knights wore them to tout their strong, well-oiled glutes!” Draco said, disillusioned.  
  
“No Draco, The Village People wore them after hours. They’re anything _but_ manly.” Harry harrumphed, and - conveniently for this story - walked in front of Draco’s bed.  
  
Draco pushed Harry teasingly down onto his childhood bed, which happened to resemble a flying racecar. As Harry fell towards the mattress, he could already feel that something was amiss - the trajectory and angle his butt was about to hit the bed at put his testicles directly in the danger zone! However, by the time he noticed, it was already too late.  
  
“Blimey! I sat on me testicles!!!!” Harry shouted  
  
Harry’s ejaculation startled Draco, causing him to drop his wand. (When I say ejaculation, I mean exclamation - get your mind outta the gutter, you slimy slag.)  
  
Anyway, Draco dropped his wand, which caused it to misfire directly at the bed, causing the racecar to dart around the room, flying in every which way, with Harry in the driver’s seat. As Harry tried to gain control of the sleep-mobile, he first crashed through Draco’s garbage can (which was filled to the brim with green apple cores - the only food Draco partakes in). Drifting toward the corner of the room, Harry then collided with an intricate badge-making press (which Draco had gotten much use out of during their years at school), and finally slowed to a halt just as he slid into Draco’s Boggart Babies™ collection.  
  
Draco ran to the pile of fluff that was once his most prized possessions.  
  
“Potter! Do you understand what you’ve done? These were some of the most collectible Boggart Babies™ on the market! Do you even know what that means?” Draco scooped up and cradled the plush remains in his arms and glared at Harry.  
  
“Yeah, sure I do. Those things were huge like eight years ago. They’re those plushies that turn into the uncanniest fear of the person holding it.”  
  
“Well, I’ll have you know you just destroyed some of my most valuable Babies. Look!” He held up what looked like a baby doll with a cracked face and real human adult teeth in its mouth. “This is Bianca, the Hyper-Realistic Dolly! Look what you did to her face! How could you! She’s not even uncanny anymore - she’s just plain old creepy! She’s worthless now!” Tears began to pool in the corners of Draco’s eyes.  
  
Harry jumped off the edge of the destructive machine Draco somehow called a bed and sat next to him. He pulled Draco’s drippy, snotty face toward him and whispered, “Draco, it’ll be okay. Things are just things - we’ll always be able to replace them. I’m just glad you didn’t get hurt. And plus, didn’t a bunch of people think those things would be worth money one day, and they wound up being worth nothing?”  
  
Draco pulled away, “THEY’RE WORTH SOMETHING TO ME, POTTER!”  
  
Harry’s stomach began to churn from the ultra-rich food Draco’s servants had prepared for them earlier. He wasn’t used to food that rich.  
  
Suddenly…. BANG BANG BANG.  
  
Luscious Lucius slammed the ceiling with his silver snake cane, which somehow was beginning to look a bit droopy and ill. “OI! You two better not be beatin’ the balloon knot up there! I swear, if I hear just one ovya doin’ the buggery or bumpin’ bullocks, I’ll come right up there! Ya ‘ear?!”  
  
Draco bowed his head, ashamed, and marched his Buck Beak slippers to his bombastic bed. “Yes father!” he called. Then, he looked at Harry and whispered, “I’m sorry, he becomes cockney when he’s tired.”  
  
But Harry had already forgotten the exchange, as he was nervously fidgeting in his spot on the wood floor. “Uh, I’m sorry to ask at a time like this, but where’s the bathroom?”  
  
“Well,” Draco said, “We have many.”

  


Draco woke to screaming, coming from downstairs. He sprinted down the three nearby corridors, hopped on his lift, then took three more sets of windy stairs down to the first floor. When he finally arrived at the parlor, he saw Harry being reprimanded by his father.  
  
Lucius was shouting, sending strings of spittle towards Harry, as his head hung towards the floor. “You imbecile! Sixty-nine bathrooms, and you somehow managed to clog _every one of them!_ How is that even possible? Our most powerful elf couldn’t _evanesco_ your shit away! Is this what you wanted? You ruined Christmas! ARE YOU HAPPY?”  
  
“I’m sorry sir,” Harry muttered.  
  
Draco lunged from behind the potted plant he was hiding behind. “Father! Is this any way to treat a guest? Sure, the plumbing’s backed up here, but I’m sure we could find a place just as special to spend the holidays.”  
  
“Lord Voldemort give me the strength…” Lusciously Thicc Lucius muttered under his breath.  
  
“Honey,” Narcissa said as she pushed herself up from the pool table she was leaning on, “we can always spend Christmas at your brother’s like we used to. Remember all those wonderful Christmases we had there?”  
  
Lucius moaned, “Come on, at Willy’s - really? You know I can’t stand him. And besides, he hasn’t been the same since that twat friend of Harry’s used her little elven rights organization to free his Oompa Loompas.”  
  
“You take that back! Hermione’s a nice lady!” Harry retorted.  
  
All the while, Draco began visibly shaking with excitement. “ARE WE GOING TO UNCLE WILLY’S?!!!!!!!” he exclaimed.  
  
“Now Draco, it hasn’t been decided yet. It was merely a suggestion,” Lucius said, trying to calm him down.  
  
“Oh my little Lucio Ball - look how happy he is! Don’t you think we can go - just this once? I’m sure he’d be happy to see us. It gets awfully lonely around the factory, I’m sure,” Narcissa said indulgently.  
  
“Well, seeing as we don’t really have any other options, I guess we’ll have to,” Lucius said, defeated.  
  
Draco began bouncing up and down in place. “Do the song and dance, Daddy! Do the song and dance!” he ejaculated.  
  
“Now Draco, I can’t.” Lucius said sternly.  
  
Narcissa began to butter him up. “Now come on, my little Lucky Luciano! I know you still have it in you.”  
  
“Well, I’m not as spry as I used to be. I’m not sure if I can still move like that, but if I’m a little lucky…that just might be the ticket.”  
  
Lucius winked. He threw his cane across the room where it landed just so and hung itself on a hat rack. He began to sing, “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH,” and an uncontrollable smile began to creep up Harry’s lips as he watched.  
  
“ _I never thought my life could be  
  
anything but catastrophe -  
  
but suddenly I begin to see  
  
a bit of good luck for me!_”  
  
Lucius spun and clicked his heels and did an incredibly majestic spin.  
  
“ _'Cause I've got a_ -” * **CRACK** *  
  
Lucius fell to the floor, “FUCK, my HIP, aaaahhhh!” He rolled on the opulent marble floor in pain.  
  
Harry immediately sprinted to his side.  
  
“Everything’s gonna be okay, I know Wizard first-aid - I’ll get him up and walking in a few minutes.” Harry flipped open his Sabrina the Teenage Witch plastic watch. “The time is 0900 hours, and the patient seems responsive. Narcissa, get me a penis of newt. Draco, find me a moose knuckle, finely packed. Don’t worry, Lucius - we’ll get through this.”  
  
“Just fix my hip, you blimey twat,” Lucius said through gritted teeth, his sexy white hair laying in front of his cold gray eyes.  
  
“I’m going to kiss you,” Harry said firmly. “You’ll have to trust me; it’s all part of the procedure.”  
  
“Just kiss me, you pence-store warlock!” Lucius parted his velvety lips, and Harry inched towards him. When their lips met, it blew away all the other sexiest kisses in history. ( _The Notebook_ had nothing on this.)  
  
As soon as they were about to part, Draco walked in. The two of them looked up in fear. “I know, it’s just part of the procedure. I’ve seen it before,” Draco said calmly. “Here’s the moose knuckle, I made sure to lightly pack it.”  
  
Narcissa then darted in with the penis of newt. Harry took both and rubbed them together with such force they cum-busted into a blue flame. He gently massaged the flame into Lucius’ hip.  
  
A few moments passed, and a calm began to wash over Lucius’ face. Suddenly, he shot up.  
  
“ _'Cause I've got a golden ticket  
  
I've got a golden twinkle in my eye!_”  
  
They all smiled at each other as Lissome Lucius leapt and sang around the room.

  


As the Malfoys and Harry approached the intricate iron gate, the name Wonka shone through the fog illuminated against a smokestack. Draco heard a nearby jingling and turned around only to be startled by a door-to-door knife salesman. He stopped and stared Draco deep in his eye – but only the one, because Draco’s other eye was obstructed by his angsty boy bang.  
  
His nips pebbled in fear and anticipation.  
  
The knife salesman stopped his cart, licking his cracked lips and running his tongue down a long, rotting tooth. “Aye, you best be puttin’ a coat on - those are some dangerously pebbled nips, laddie. Also, say hi to Willy for me and let him know he still owes me a cum-didily-umptious bar from our last poker game.” He closed his eyes and made several visceral lip smacking sounds. “Aye, they be the creamiest bar ever produced by that there factory. Anyway, hope you all have a good evening!”  
  
“Thanks, creepy old man!” Harry said cheerfully, as the man wheeled his knife cart away.  
  
A door just beyond the gate began to creak open, a purple boot stepping just beyond the threshold. A curly haired man who happened to look exactly like the late Gene Wilder began slowly limping towards the gate, cane in hand.  
  
Clickity, clickity, clack went the cane. Slippity, slippity, slap went the patent leather go-go boots.  
  
Suddenly, his cane caught between some cobblestones! His hand grasped through the air, searching for the walking stick. Finding nothing, his body began leaning forward as if in slow motion. When his body approached the cobblestone, he seemed to attempt to roll into a somersault - but he didn’t.  
  
Instead, he fell flat on his face and laid there for a bit.  
  
“Is he okay?” Harry asked.  
  
“Yeah, he does this every time,” replied Lucius. “He used to do it when we were young to get mother’s attention, and now he just continues to do it, because he thinks it’s funny.”  
  
Lackadaisical Lucius walked up to the lock and unsheathed his wandy thing from his caney thing, aimed it at the lock on the gate, and commanded, “ _Open upio!_ ”  
  
Everyone stepped through the gate. Willy Wonka shot up and ran to Lonesome Lucius and gave him a big hug and a smucho on his cheek. Laborious Lucius stood uncomfortably stiff. “Okay, I have reached my threshold of human contact for the next ten days, please cease this juvenile behavior at once.”  
  
Willy released his embrace, moving towards Narcissa. “Oh, my sweet, supple Narcissa! You look ravishing.” He kissed her ring, sucking the gem directly out of the center. Narcissa giggled like a grown school woman.  
  
“Oh my, and Draco! Look how you’ve grown! And I see you’ve developed our signature Malfoy pebbled nips. The ladies love them! RRRRreow.”  
  
He galloped towards Harry, “And finally, Harry! Harry-Willy the perfect pair!” Willy put his lips directly into Harry’s ear and whispered, “By the way, I have an experiment I’ve been working on that I think you’ll find especially tantalizing.”  
  
Willy Wonka then galloped towards the entrance, “Follow me everyone! I have someone I’m very excited for you all to meet.”

  


The Malfoys and Harry all sat scrunched together on a cut-in-half couch, as Willy sat in front of them on a halved recliner. Willy began to speak, “Now, I’m going to introduce you all to someone who is very special to me. I wish I didn’t have to preface with this, but I’d really appreciate it if you all could be as polite as possible, because I really do love her. Also, she’s smokin’ hawt.”  
  
Narcissa smiled, “Willy, we couldn’t be happier you found someone. If you love her, I’m sure we will all love her - no matter what.”  
  
Willy’s eyes began to well up. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that. Let me call her over.” Willy pulled a penny whistle from his pocket and played a short sporadic tune. All of a sudden, an elf burst through the half door and jumped into Willy’s lap. “This is Dobilina!” he rejoiced.  
  
Upon seeing the lady house elf, Lucius immediately sneered, ground his teeth, and swallowed the stray tooth bits that cracked off. He was about to shout, but Narcissa punched him in the right testicle.  
  
Willy continued, a little flushed. “After the Oompa Loompas were freed, I was in desperate need of assistance to keep the factory running. I posted the ad to Wizard’s Craigslist, and Dobilina was the first to answer. Over the first couple months, she was incredible. With the meager pay I gave her in chocolates, she was able to do the work of 500 Oompa Loompas! And over those months, I just couldn’t help myself. I was under her spell. The sexy way her single, oversized tube sock hung just so above her ankle, her smooth seductive voice…and those eyes.”  
  
He paused to look into her dinner plate eyes, running his finger across her bumply chin.  
  
She ran her hands through Willy’s thicc curly hair in return. Willy commandingly grabbed her waste (and her waist!) and gently kissed around her supple bosom. Dobilina cried out in pleasurable agony as the wrinkly skin on her chest tightened. She tasted like lemon with a hint of mint. If the flavor was in Willy Wonka’s candy, it would be called lint - or maybe m’lemon.  
  
They paused and kissed again, their tongues battling for dominance. However, Willy’s tongue had a gun and shot Dobilina’s tongue, winning dominance once and for all. Then, they gently pillaged each other’s mouths like ethically-responsible Vikings. Willy plundered for treasure in the crevices of Dobilina’s molars. It was beautiful.  
  
They then continued making the sexy times for five more minutes as everyone watched, mesmerized, until Narcissa coughed, and they both pulled away.  
  
Willy petted Dobilina’s long blonde hair and said, “Oh, where was I? Oh yes, those eyes. Well, anyway, as you can imagine, this kind of relationship isn’t very accepted in the Wizarding World. Sometimes, Dobilina and I stay up late together, talking about how it’s as if our world is being written by a casually racist T.E.R.F. who says strange things on Twitter.”  
  
He paused for a moment, glancing at the camera. “But, Dobilina and I think true love has no bounds and really care about one another.”  
  
Dobilina looked up and smiled her tiny-tooth smile, “Dobilina has made dinner for everyone!”  
  
Willy perked up, “Yes! Let’s all go to the dining room. You're going to love her cooking - she’s so talented, unlike yours truly.”  
  
Everyone got up and walked out of the living room and through the two-foot-tall door. Lucius followed close behind Dobilina and whispered in her ear as they approached the Masturbation Mobile, a vehicle that would whisk them away on the fifteen-foot journey to the dining room, “You may have everyone else fooled, but I know who you _really_ are.”  
  
Dobilina looked up, confused and a little scared. “Dobilina doesn’t know what you’re talking about, sir.”  
  
As they all strapped themselves to the vehicle, Willy began his patented mansplaining routine, where he jerked himself off for his own scientific achievements. “Well, normally, before I show you all one of my inventions, I partake in some ego stroking first, but this vehicle is called the Masturbation Mobile and will be doing all the stroking for me.”  
  
He pulled the tube-teeming vehicle into gear and smashed that motherfuckin’ like button and said, “Be sure to put your goggles on! We don’t want anyone getting my homemade jizzum in their eye. And don’t worry! Jizzum is just what I call my signature creamy white filling.”  
  
As the auto-erotic vehicle began to rev up, copious amounts of thicc white filling began to splatter all over everyone, as if shot from exhaust pipes and steering wheels.  
  
“I love Uncle Willy’s jizzum!” shouted Draco.  
  
Look you get the point, it’s like the movies, except more gross. I’m getting a bit of shitty writer's fatigue here so I’m just going to summarize it: just picture the same bit from the film…except with Harry Potter characters. Anyway, they went through the cleany-blowy thing, and then everyone walked to the dining room.  
  
Willy and all the dinner guests strapped themselves into their upside-down seats. This was because all the dining room furniture was actually on the ceiling. Very Willy Wonka, right? Loathing Lucius reached for the water pitcher, attempting to pour himself a glass of water which sadly ended up all over the floor/ceiling.  
  
Willy clanked his glass for an uncomfortably long amount of time. “Because our dining room is upside down, all of the food you will be served tonight is going to be extra sticky. We will be starting things out with Dobilina’s famous appetizer - chocolate mush.”  
  
Loquacious Lucius’ face scrunched up. “Willy, I’m disgusted - chocolate mush is an ancient family recipe, passed down by generations, and you're having a powdered up, wig-wearing slave make it? This is a disgrace! I’d rather a filthy half-blood peasant like Potter make it than that thing you call your girlfriend.”  
  
Harry was too busy playing with his Tamagotchi to notice what Lousy Lucius was saying.  
  
Willy scrunched up his face to the size of a large pistachio. “You take that back! I knew you were a hateful person, but I never expected such hateful words to cum from your thicc, delectable lips!”  
  
Dobilina stood up and stated in a calm tone, “Dobilina doesn’t like it when family fights.” She then left to bring the chocolate mush from the kitchen.  
  
Luxurious Lucius and Willy crossed their arms and looked off in opposite directions. Like two sides of a flamboyant, Wizarding coin (like a knut or some shit). Dobilina came back after a few minutes, spooning a bit of the sticky, putrid ooze onto everyone's plate.  
  
Dobilina sat down and broke the silence like one of those British things you break at Christmas. You know, the one with the small gifts in it and stuff. “Dobilina thinks Lucius would be surprised if Lucius tried Dobilina’s chocolate mush.”  
  
Willy un-scrunched his face, which was now the size of a regular macadamia nut. “Yes Lucius, try the chocolate mush, or I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” He smiled, “Also, everyone, you’re all welcome to eat - no need to wait for us.”  
  
Harry immediately began scarfing down the mush, until something forced him to pause. “Hang on a second. There’s a toenail in here!” Harry pulled a long, yellow toenail out of his mouth that would make even the Lamisil monsters cringe.  
  
Light-hearted Lucius’ face changed from a gloomy, dour look to a radiant sunbeam. “You knew to use toe nails? That was mom’s secret addition! How did you figure it out?”  
  
Dobilina smiled. “Dobilina’s intuition, she guesses.”  
  
Lacustrine Lucius spooned the brown goop into his mouth. A single tear trailed down his cheek. “It tastes just like Mother’s.”  
  
And then Narcissa was hugging Loving Lucius, and that night, they all laughed and ate a jolly dinner as a family.

  


_ Happily Ever After...or is it?! _

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, thanks for reading my magnum dongus (magnum opus)! Hope you enjoyed those sexy, drippy times!  
> If you liked it, leave a comment. If you hated it, leave a comment. If you were indifferent about it, get outta here! (Just kidding, if you're indifferent, it's okay to feel that way, your feelings are valid.)
> 
> I also just wanted to cite the italicized song lyrics are from the 1971 Willy Wonka movie. 
> 
> If you haven't read my first parody chapter (of chapter 26), you can find that [here.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22588300)
> 
> Thanks!


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